I need help removing her.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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