I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
