life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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