Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
