I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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