I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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