So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
