update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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