Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm having to shit out rocks
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
