I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Every concussion has its silver lining
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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