Moan for me like Helen Keller
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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