you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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