Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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