I just pynch a tree in the face
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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