If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize