two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize