Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
