Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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