Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
