Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize