I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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