With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
