nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
