RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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