So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It's Friday. Sex?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
