Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
