I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
