i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
