I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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