We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
