i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
