I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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