I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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