he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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