i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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