Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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