Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize