Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize