I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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