her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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