I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
