Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
