I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
