Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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