I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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