Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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