i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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