cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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