As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
