i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
