He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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