she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I look better un-naked...
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
