You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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