After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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