Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
