I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
