I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
