I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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