we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
