i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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