she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
