Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
