I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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