He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
So apparently I’m into choking now
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